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Our goal is to make immigration safe and legal, ensure a steady work force, provide opportunity to those who love America, and secure our borders... by providing Mexicans with viable, affording neutering options.

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"It is dangerous for our security here. Let's do it the right way. Let's get them visas." - Governor Schwarzenegger (CA-R), Austrian immigrant

"The problem we have is the lack of a comprehensive immigration policy. This is a federal responsibility. We need to fix the immigration system that is broken." - Governor Bill Richards (NM-D), Mexi-Nicaraguan American

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Frequently Asked Questions About Mexigration

Find all the most commonly asked questions here with answers as detailed as we’re legally allowed to offer at this time. If it’s not specific enough, and you probably know what we mean by that, just send us an email through the CONTACT form and ask in plain terms. Trust me when I say that we’ll answer you in very plain terms in kind, if it isn’t already answered here below.

What if Mexicans are captured in the U.S. without Spayed/Castrated Paperwork, but they’re already fixed?

This is still a deportation instance, unless you can come up with the $15,100 to pay the fine (plus castration or re-castration costs). If they’re already fixed, they’re eligible to stay, so why don’t they have their paperwork? We can’t just let every infertile/sterile Mexican stay in the country because that would open a whole new terror loophole they could use to decimate America. They might be criminals, terrorists or other sorts of the criminally undesirable class, but we as a people and government have no way of knowing who they are but for our background checks performed prior to admission, and their possession of proper paperwork when they are stopped and questioned. For that matter, we don’t really know if they’re fixed. Very few of us carry around a speculum and sufficient understanding of the female innards sufficient to tell us what’s going on in there, nor a sperm-counter to verify sterility, so we have to take it by the word of licensed government agencies and paperwork carried on their persons.

My Mexican is fixed but his/her paperwork was stolen/lost/misplaced. What does this mean?

This is not a problem. Your Mexican is required to carry paperwork at all times proving his/her legal ability to remain in the country. This includes photo identification, a green card, and certification of sterility (spayed or neutered). If this paperwork is lost, stolen or destroyed, they can simply request duplicate paperwork from the office that originally issued it in person, along with a certified check or money order, and it will be mailed out to their out-of-country home address within 4-6 weeks, provided there is no backlog of requests or other workload.

What if my Mexicans don’t want to be spayed or neutered?

This is a common situation, and fortunately it all comes down to human free will. Do they want to be in the U.S. as a fixed citizen, or do they want to stay in Mexico and maintain their reproductive rights? We aren’t about to tell people what they might want to do, but we are here to tell people what they must do if they want to live and work legally in the United States. Suggesting any say in the reproductive rights of your Mexican is something we could never, and WILL never do. All we wish to say is that they can’t do it here, and that if they want to live and work in the United States, they have to be fixed.

What if a Mexican is captured in the US without Proper Paperwork?

Under our rules, that Mexican at stake would be deported, no questions asked, no possibilities offered, no quarter entertained. If he wants to live or work in America, he can apply like all the other Mexicans and get his paperwork in order like his countrymen, provided he’s been spayed or neutered… you know, for health reasons.

What is a Mexican?

There is no hard-and-fast definition of what is or is not a Mexican. Some say all people from south of the border are Mexicans, but don’t penguins also live south of the border? This isn’t a racial issue, nor is it one that is simply black and white (tell that to the penguins!) For our purposes, as it’s matters of generally accepted wisdom, a Mexican is defined as a swarthy person from the Western Hemisphere (or Spain) who speaks Spanish as his or her first (and often only) language, defined by wide hips, Catholicism and an innate ability to tend to yard care and child rearing. Many also have a predilection towards terrible music with horns and accordions, but this isn’t cause enough for definition in and of itself. People from Belize are also generally regarded as Mexicans, if that clears things up at all.

Shouldn’t we just send all the Mexicans home to whichever Mexico they come from?

Some say we should just get rid of the Mexicans, while others also say that we should totally do so, but maybe not just yet. Let’s face it; we do need them to keep our nation afloat across a number of economic sectors. Not only do they take all the jobs you and I would rather starve than endure, but they also buy our goods and services, fill vital community roles, shop at Wal-Mart, and cook the best damn chimichangas this side of Puerto Vallarta. Our agricultural, manufacturing and dollar store sectors would promptly falter if we kicked them all out of the country, sending ripples throughout the entire national economy even worse than what we’ve faced because they all bought houses they couldn’t afford, requiring the bailout of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, Bear Stearns, and the entire banking sector. That doesn’t mean we should be letting them have children or anything, and that’s the exact concern I’m being paid so unexplainably well to lay out for you.

If Mexicans are captured, can they just get fixed and stay in the United States?

No, they can’t. If we offered such a half-jeopardy system, nobody would obey the rules. If they’re caught illegally, they’re going to be fixed, and then deported, and they’ll never be eligible for reentry to the United States, period.

Does the US Have the Right to Spay/Neuter Would-Be Immigrants Prior to Deportation?

If we capture a prisoner in times of war, and he has a broken arm, we are bound by international law to fix his arm. Illegal immigration is a war, and if we capture an illegal, we have the obligation to fix that captured individual… and just like in times of war, it’s our obligation to return it to the country of origin it came from. So if we catch an unfixed Honduran wandering fertile in the great-48, we have not only the obligation to fix him, but to return him to Mexico where he comes from.

Can white people be Mexicans?

For the purpose of our legislative bill, color and nationality won’t be taken into consideration, since it is not a racial bill, mostly, but rather an ethnic one. Our bill is not racially based, and therefore it can’t possibly be racist. We are color blind (if not hue-blind) and above the very idea of color and nationality, except for United States nationals (white ones, mostly) because there is no one on this planet above us (only He has authority over us). Our bill pertains only to Mexicans of all nationalities, be they Ukrainian, Somalian, Chilean, or (shudder to think) French. Since everyone wants to come to America, and that’s a fact, we have to keep our bill open and flexible and permit any who wish to join our working tax base, so long as they have no desire to dilute our melting pot. The answer to this question is yes, white people can be Mexicans too. I’ve met a number of startlingly pale Mexicans, and disarmingly pretty ones at that, but they still weren’t Americans, no matter how affordably they may have barked to boast their wares on the streets of Havana.

What do you call a person from Panama?

I can see the setup for the joke here, and I know I’m supposed to hit that fastball down the middle over the centerfield fence, but I’d rather take the walk. What you want me to say is that he’s a Panamaniac, but I won’t do it. We both know for the sake of our bill and in practical terms as well, he’s a Mexican.

Can’t we just give our Mexicans free abortions?

Absolutely not! Not only is a forced abortion illegal and unethical, any abortion is an abomination in the eyes of God. We can’t murder children to solve our national security crisis, and we should never endorse or encourage abortion, even in cases of rape, incest, political party leaders’ children becoming pregnant, or in cases of being Mexican, or worse still, half Mexican. Many experts disagree, but they are themselves the only cases when abortion should have happened, and I say it isn’t too late. Abortions cost a lot of money. Did you know that for the price of just one abortion, you can fix both halves of a Mexican couple and their cousins? It’s true, and the price will only come down once we set up dedicated border clinics for these purposes, which can happen within a year.

Doesn’t using the word “Fix” imply that Mexicans are “Broke?”

We’re not here to debate semantics, but if you have ever met a Mexican who wasn’t broke, I’d like to meet him, assuming he isn’t a pimp or drug dealer. I’ve personally known plenty of Mexicans in various capacities from janitor all the way up to road crew supervisor, and unless you count the wealth of tiny gold rims on extremely old El Caminos or the glut of cassette tapes with cut-rate ranchero music, they’re pretty much broke as a hell as a people. If I’m wrong, let God strike me down… He hasn’t, so I’m right, and Mexicans are broke.

My Mexican is rich and wants to have children and pay cash without them going on the welfare role. Is that acceptable?

Listen, once there’s a chink in the armor, there’s sure to be a bunch of wetbacks too, so let’s keep the gooks and spics in the same foreign bucket for now if it’s not too much trouble. Perhaps your Mexican “says” the child will be paid for upon delivery and that it won’t end up suckling the welfare teat, but only time will tell, and we as American tax payers just can’t accept that risk, since we’ve done so for decades with disastrous results. Especially in the Southwest we need to keep these hardworking adults and children in beneficial positions. From experience we can tell you this is the only viable way to do work with this new system. We just can’t risk permitting rich immigrants to come to America no matter what they might bring to our society.

Is this in some way degrading/demoralizing treatment of human beings?

It would be, yes. But no, it is not.

What about the children, do they also have to be fixed?

Of course not! Children are strongly discouraged from participating in this immigration program until they reach working age. However, if they are Mexican, and they are engendered, and they wish to come to America, then yes. If a family wishes to immigrate in whole, each individual will be subject to the same conditions regardless of age. The children may not have felony convictions. The children will have their personal property searched. The children will be subject to import restrictions as outlined for any/all citizen(s). The children must be spayed or neutered if they wish to enter the United States to legally obtain employment and perma-temp citizen statushood.

Is it free to Spay or Neuter my Mexican?

The surgery is not free, unfortunately, but the labor they’ll provide to you as their sponsor for life practically is! Making it free would only embolden the immigrants. Many clinics may offer low-cost procedures on a sliding scale, especially for people with low, limited or fixed incomes, due to the especially charitable nature of the procedure. Some programs and clinics are open to all persons regardless of income, though a mandatory donation may apply. The mandatory donation should not exceed $3,000.00. Each program is different, and we have almost 1,000 programs around the nation that have already applied for participation listing in our service provider directory.

Are the “doctors” you refer callers to inexperienced or bad because their rates are cheaper?

That’s about the dumbest question we ever get, though we do get it about five to six times per day. These are doctors who have graduated with medical degrees, many from armed services programs. They are every bit as qualified as other medical providers, who might not pay our listing fee, even though we are restricted from giving out contact information or names to providers who refuse our voluntary paid participation fee contribution program. We’re no different than any other medical directory, except that we admit where our money comes from. We’re not heartless, but we are very succinctly American, and being American is something no one should ever apologize for, especially when it offsets taxpayer obligation as greatly as it does in the case of this program.

How old does my Mexican need to be for spaying or neutering?

For many years border crossing doctors were taught that “if there’s grass on the field, goooooooooal!” but this has become problematic over the years, and not just because soccer is only a game played by school children and lesbians in paradoxically unappealing sports bras. As a general rule, we believe that 4-5 years old is appropriate, though the average age at which Mexicans are spayed or neutered along border towns is currently somewhat younger. Some opt for the procedure as late as 60+ years of age, but these seniors are just gaming the system.

How young can a female Mexican/Latina get pregnant?

This is a very dangerous question to answer because the question is asked almost exclusively by child predators living in Texan border towns who see an opportunity and think that their prey is especially susceptible because she has no human rights to speak of, plus she can’t get pregnant. To be as cautious as possible, we inform our would-be child molester readers that even touching or fake-marrying a Latina girl is almost as illegal as if you do it with a white girl, and that you can never really know if she’s truly legal or not, or if she’s truly fixed or not. If you take your chances with a young Latina and it turns out she wasn’t fixed, you might find her pregnant at as young as 8-9 years of age, as is fairly standard in Mexico. If you find yourself in this situation, we’ll agree not to say that we told you so as long as you agree not to send us photographs, which may land us in prison, not to mention the fact that it’s your sickness and fetish, not ours. For that very reason we’ve blocked attachments through our contact form. You can go to all the kinds of prison you want on either side of the border, friend, but leave us right the hell out of it with your kiddy raping bullshit.

Can brother and sister from the same litter mate?

Once they are fixed, Mexican siblings from the same litter will be incapable of mating. Intimate companionship is still not recommended for moral reasons, except in extreme cases of seclusion, or convenience.

Should I have my Mexican declawed?

If your provider offers this at reasonable rates you may consider the matter for yourself, if it makes sense for your household. Once they are under for the neutering they’ll be unaware of any other procedures performed at the same time.

Will neutering my Mexican stop him from spraying?

It all depends on at what age you have him neutered. Generally Mexicans do not spray, but some do feel the innate need to mark their territory, which may include your bushes when no one is around, your food when you aren’t looking, or your face when you’re peacefully sleeping with your goose down comforter. Neutering has no proven impact on spraying, but if your Mexican pees in your face while you’re sleeping, he deserves to have his dangle-bag snipped to hi-ball heaven, and that’s being generous, unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case, maybe consider permitting extra meal rations.

Will my Mexican feel pain during surgery?

Of course not, sometimes. These Mexicans are often doped up on a cocktail of uppers, downers, reds, opiates and the odd couple of stimulants for best measure, so if they feel anything at all, it’s just because they might be some kind of gods. The doctors we recommend aren’t “the best,” but they are better than Mexican border doctors when it comes to everything but removing a mafia-placed bullet. The Godly feeling isn’t an abomination unto Christ, if you thought that, because Mexicans only feel that they may be an Aztec god, not a real one. So even in their drug-induced stupors, it’s only strange, not blasphemous. When they awake they will be drowsy, disoriented, and confused, just like their extinct god and their belief in him. Ideally, their godlike belief in themselves will also be quenched. It’s at this time they are most commonly taken advantage of, so beware of persons such as yourself taking advantage of them physically, specifically around the bare-flesh or bodily opening regions.

If I get a fixed Mexican, can I subjugate it as a sex slave?

This pervasive practice is mostly frowned upon, both technically and factually. Bear in mind that as the pregnancy probability of a properly sterilized Mexican approaches zero, your likelihood of eternal damnation in His eyes for trying to counteract His will by means of copulation increases to nearly absolute… meaning you will go to hell for this. You can, however, suggest some legalized sex work, such as stripping, bachelor party entertainment, or prostitution (state of Nevada only). You might also suggest your Mexican intern in these professions by studying in your own home, provided it’s done through free will and there’s nothing strange or creepy about it.

Aren’t Puerto Ricans just Mexicans living on a Caribbean island?

Yes, technically, but we wanted the island of Vieques for a hundred years of naval bombing range practice. Because of this we felt we had to keep the rest of the place too, even though it’s cost us more than any single state to do so. Sure they speak Spanish, earn minimum wage (when they admit to earning anything above board), collect billions in welfare and food stamps, refuse to answer the telephone and generally make a mockery of all beliefs generally held as American, it doesn’t mean they aren’t just like us. After all, aren’t these things exactly what the Mexicans we’d like to take under our American wings do best?

My Mexican just came home from surgery and doesn’t know which way is up, can I rape/molest her?

While you technically can, since no one is watching and even the victim will be totally unawares and impossible to impregregnati, assuming your dosages were appropriate, it is frowned upon to fondle, fiddle, penetrate or taste in glandular fashion your Mexican during this sensitive time of recovery. It may also break stitches, causing wound-sore-leaking, and can in some cases even cause reproductive fluids to permeate areas unintended… mister. Also, you know, come on, we’re not cave men here, and there’s no way with any class, species or phylum that business would count as fair play, and if you don’t know it, you need a visit from a governing body.

Will my Mexican’s behavior change after spaying or neutering?

Yes, but not too much aside from the general malaise. Male Mexicans will be less likely to fight and roam, and spayed females will no longer go into heat cycles, unfortunately. Mexican women in heat are a really spectacular spectacle, even if they don’t drag groinal areas across carpets.

Will my Mexican become fat and lazy after being spayed or neutered?

Your mammal should not grow fat and lazy after being spayed or neutered unless you feed him/her to excess. To keep your Latin healthy, it should get regular exercise: walking for males, toys and crotch / belly scratching for females. In some cases routine sexual activity with a non-Mexican has proved to be beneficial in the recovery of a spayed Latina, with consent, pre-determined rules and safe-words, but be reasonable about it, because it’s very easy to let this behavior get out of hand.

Can I also spay or neuter my cats or dogs?

You can, but this is a decision that should not be taken lightly, since the ramifications are serious, lifelong and not to be taken lightly. Make sure you talk with every member of your household, as well as your veterinarian and veterinary psychologist before taking any irrevocable steps in this direction. Whenever possible, hire a pet psychic (not a quack, but a real one) to make absolutely certain this course is acceptable to your pet. In general, it is not advised to curb your pet’s sexual functions because it is inhumane.

Do all Mexicans smell like old Mexican food?

First of all, that is a very racist question. Second of all, yes, with very few exceptions. It’s just like how every cabby smells like pre-shat curry. They just can’t help it. You are what you eat, and they eat old Mexican food.